Monday, March 27, 2006

Had quite a day at camp, gone through a movie marathon for the whole duty.

三个好人。。

我现在才发现到，
原来世界上最毒的话，
不是“我恨你”，
而是无辜的说“我等你。。”

a new horizon 8:17 pm

Friday, March 24, 2006

Heh, I had quite a chat with my conscience this afternoon. :P

Time: 1 year later
Venue: Random bench on a park
Actors: Undisclosed.

It looked like a scene out of Indigo Prophecy..a movie even with the two black strips on the top and bottom of the screen. We talked about many things, about how I ended up, about how things cropped up throughout my eventful life ever since joining JC. How people ended up. Pretty cool, I guess, considering the form of the aforementioned conscience, and how easily chattable we both were to each other, making fun of each other without any mental restraint. Guess that's probably why I was unwilling to wake up when someone called..

a new horizon 5:19 pm

Sunday, March 19, 2006

There's an issue that struck me pretty hard in the face last night, one that still makes me worry all throughout the night. Not much about love, not much about career, but more of how our society's functioning and deteriorating at the very moment. Yesterday my sergeants and seniors were chatting about "The Game", one where men forever stalk their prey while mind-controlled by lust. Its disturbing, to hear them compare notes, to hear their past experiences, and to hear them rattle off how many girls they've cheated into bed.

I can't get my mind set in the proper mode to talk about this, so bear with me. I'm still quite appalled by the matter.

You know, talking about girls is fine. Partially because they rant about us most of the time too. However, what I really can't get off my mind is how these two people actually went on for the better part of the hour talking as if sex is the biggest thing in the world. About how they would, and did bed the girl in question. Shit, its as if their penis ruled the brain. Its seriously disgusting, for them to proudly wear promiscuity as a medal on their chest. Shouldn't they be ashamed that they've cheated so many young girls? Ashamed that they actually penetrated the sanctity of women who would trusted them so?

In retrospect, I think its so much worse. Intruding on her virginity is one thing, but the worst thing a male could do, is the heaped insult of betraying her trust. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a feminist or anything, neither am I saying how great and mighty I am by being a goody-two shoes. Its...all just so wrong. I don't believe in love anymore, but I believe in society. But with assholes like these people, assholes who honestly, and truthfully intone that they get into relationships just for sex, I don't think I can even trust society. Neither am I a women-right's fighter, I hate women as much as I hate men. But..as much as many people might argue, I still think women exist as the weaker gender..men can shoulder all the bullshit, we're made to do it. To hear and know these assholes who simply objectify women simply makes me feel so filthy, so uncouth..

"I'ld commit suicide if someone cut my dick off" good for you, the world would be a better place then.

"She just got her Olevel results, came my house, and I peh her lor"sonofa...

I'm really disappointed to know, that in my section, there's actually people I can despise. Why can't they screw their heads in the right way; the person you're lusting over, could be someone else's sister. Would you want something like that to happen to your sister? I'm so afraid, afraid for all my female friends. Afraid that they place their trust in someone unworthy, in someone with evil intentions like those 2 beasts I know. I know what you may be thinking, and yes, I fear for my ex as well. I guess when love wore off, I'm treating her like a sister who's lost contact with me. I still concern myself about her, although its more of how she's doing in life rather than anything more complicated. I hope. I don't know anything about the guy she's attached to, but I just hope he doesn't turn out to be a crude calculating bastard. Heh, after all, I'm sure when time passes, when we can finally talk to each other again, it'll be my turn to heal and look for my own happiness. Noble? Nah, just seriously, retardedly stupid. Still, it just feels right. I've to atone for my wrongs, for not being the perfect guy for her, ya?

Okay, before I indulge in another love-torn passage, maybe lets end this unsavoury article. I hate people. And to you two, although you're my seniors, I hope you'll get a personal STD without the T, sent from heaven.

urgh i still can't stop worrying..why do such men exist!?

a new horizon 7:37 am

Saturday, March 11, 2006

With the better of my judgement, I decided to stay away from NUS today, even though its a dismount. Who knows, if I see her and..junqi, is it, whatever rationality I've ever built up might just end up thrown out of the window..

though i hope i can find out more about my course. i need damned info..else i'm never getting my arse outta this place! Arrrgghghh...

hahaa tianhan, michigan shall be my safety school...lets see if i can go somewhere better first ;)
anyways, who needs weed when you can get high on stuffing painkillers everyday already? *yup, the damned back injury's returned..maybe i should whip out that bone cushion someone made long time ago..*

Bleah. Let me go!

a new horizon 7:54 am

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I realize this place's been more of a emotional wreckpot rather than a rant-shack. I've been reviewing all the posts I've written since day 1, and jeez...somehow I think i'm a bit screwed up. Perhaps worse. No, I'm very screwed up. I come back here as my secret portal where I vent my anger or leak my frustrations, or most of the time, to lament my losses. Perhaps it just means I've more problems than an average adolescent-coming adult?

I wish.

Apparently things here have to change if I'm going to continue life at a pace where I wouldn't die of emotional stress at the age of 25. First, this awful blog design's got to go. Secondly, as much as I..miss it, the archives will have to be erased. Its a sting that's forever penetrated my life ever since this site's creation, a sting I willingly pushed deeper into my hide with every post I made, every complaint I penned. I never wrote anything when I was happy, no beautiful memory for me to herald in view and revel in its splendor.*other than perhaps one or two entries* Nonetheless, the ordeals of the past few 3 or so years won't help me much in future. In these entries, I've seen myself despondent, suicidal, mad, positively loco. I see the devil vs devil fights play out in my madcap, the impossible possibilities I once imagined attainable, the childish visions I had throughout my stay at poserique. Funny how the name got coined, back when I was seriously, quite a poseur. I don't know if I am one now, but I do hope the crazy streak's died down a bit. Never did I think that it's became a slideshow of drama of a teenage averagely pimpled plump guy. This visage ends at the age of 20.

Another life will emerge. Not confessions of a teenage averagely pimpled plump man. No, hopefully not, I sincerely pray so. I have not the audacity to lay claim to intelligence like Homer to poetry, or Leonardo da Vinci to cryptograms, but I hope I can garner myself a scholarship to further my horizons overseas. Yup, its really time I left. I think. Back in J3, I never entertained the possibility of flying off, due to obvious reasons and committments. With circumstances changed, and changed a lot it has, I'm looking at this crossroad once again, to ride out the well-trodden path of many and lead a normal life in Singapore, or to venture out to realms of the outerworld, filled with questionmarks and harsh realities. Yep, the grass is greener on the other side. Especially when your side of the fence lies barren with dead animals on the ground. I have nothing for me here. My buddies will leave this place upon completing NS. My course of study heralds little or infinitesimally small avenues of work here. I can't bear to step into the very halls of learning where I know..there's a chance I'll see her and not acknowledge her presence. You know, the feeling when you've all been so close and yet now, you can't even look at each other in the eye? When you think you can handle the emotions of rejection and suddenly you see them together, hand in hand, and all rationality goes out of the window? Maybe she's right. Its not because she doesn't want to be friends, but because with me being me, we cannot be friends. Its for her own good, and probably mine in the long run. Nonetheless, I detest that place of misery. There's no instance when I drive by the location and a familiar twitching crosses my otherwise serene face. Hatred? Jealousy? The drama of a teenage averagely pimpled plump guy.

Somewhere the connection has to stop. All connections here linking us has to stop. Even if it means forever disappearing from 73 gatherings, I have to look forward. Perhaps time will let me learn. Perhaps leaving this place for good will do the best. Overseas, I can start all over again, no longer held back by the person I was here. I can be normal again, not someone I never wanted to be. I can reform my ideals, I can reshape my personality, I can idealize my goals again. People there won't know my past, and I won't be obliged to adhere to my reputation that may precede me. I can walk the earth knowing I won't accidentally step into her face and not acknowledge her presence. I can party again.

Or am I seeing this opportunity as a way to escape reality?

I really need to go away. Away from all I know best, to think it all through and maybe, perhaps, return when things cleared up. But I've no cash. No Pa-ma scholarship. My only chance at running away lies at scholarships from organizations. My deadline's tomorrow, and I'm lost for words in my resume. Funny how I can crap this much here, and yet have nothing on my mind detailing my achievements in my life. Maybe there's none to speak of. Or a more plausible explanation, is that I indulge in the saddest moments in my life, and never live in whatever moments of glory I might possibly had achieved. Maybe that's what poserique's been telling me while I write this nonsense. Perhaps this will be the only good that'll ever come out of this dumb blog.

i thought penning your thoughts would help you think better, but i never realized doing that would complicate your thoughts tenfold..

a new horizon 8:47 pm