Monday, January 30, 2006
It was fun, having relatives over, but then again, it was so tragic simultaneously..
Its hard to deal with it, when the relatives you never see for the whole year turn up to visit you once again on this very day. And its always the same question that pops out from their mouth..
"Jiaho, where's your girlfriend? The one that came last year?"
*sigh*
Can't believe things have turned out this way..can't imagine introducing yet another person to them maybe a few years down the road..can't understand why I'm 20 and can't believe the fact that within the next 10 years, I'll probably be finding myself a spouse.
Life can be so unfair..especially when half of your youth is already over now that you're looking back. I remember leading my cousins in playing make-believe, playing robbers and thieves in our old house, shooting rubber bullets at each other and spending twice the amount of time retrieving the abovementioned. Now I'm stuck in the army, and soon I'll probably be looking for a job, maybe if i'm lucky, flying off to another part of the globe. Can't believe that while my young cousins are still studying and slowly taking their exams, one by one, i'll be becoming another human stuck in the perpetual rat race of life.
Guess I'm no longer a kid..I always thought there was still time to be one..to live and act like one even now. But I guess its no more..I can't afford childishness anymore, can't afford to be shielded and protected by people anymore..
Kinda wish I was back in school taking exams all over again.
a new
horizon
6:05 pm
Just finished duty on the first day of chinese new year..had a pretty enjoyable time in camp, although I'd rather spend my day OUT of camp..
Had a really weird dream again in camp..and as always, it involves relationships. Only this time, its about someone who's just a friend to me, one I'll definitely not think of..but yet, the dream was dangerously sweet and unforgettable..
I attribute all my problems to hormones.
a new
horizon
5:52 pm
Friday, January 27, 2006
I think I'm going crazy. And shit, I don't think theres any line of defense in the sanity battle to stop me from committing horrendously embarrassing stunts. I can't believe I'm actually chasing after someone who's 6 years older than me. Further more, I can't believe I'm actually chasing someone who ALREADY has a boyfriend. Even worse, I can't believe she's actually from my workplace. Lord..let there be a shred of self-preservation left in me in this year of madness..
Someone stop me from talking to her!!! Its all so wrong!!!
a new
horizon
6:05 pm
Monday, January 23, 2006
I can sense it myself..physically and mentally. Its all breaking apart again, the glued-back jigsaw of a self that I found scattered after the ordeal. All the promises I've made, the resolutions I've written...I ain't following them no more!
~sigh..
I can't believe I'm growing all fat again...3 weeks without gym training..I can't even run 5km at a breeze now. The tummy's coming back all over again..urgh..feel so disgusted with myself. :(
The impetus to learn a new language's fading..after I've gotten familiar with the writings, I can't find a proper teacher/book that I can learn from. I can speak crab Japanese, and that's a compliment by itself now.
Whatever happened to "renewing and enhancing of self"? Ugh..pull yourself tgth...
a new
horizon
7:24 pm
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Meh, apparently things are going to be this way for a very long time..the oh-so-familiar scene of me wistfully dreaming of being with yet another girl who is happily in her world of bliss with her boyfriend of ages past.
it doesn't help that she's 6 years older than me. heh!
I think I really should focus on my work. But then again, my work is to look at people.THEN HOW?!?! Ahem. I shall focus on getting a scholarship to US. Yesh..guess thats probably a good goal to work for. I REALLY need to stop thinking of the happy times of being part of a couple. *Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
a new
horizon
11:35 pm
Sunday, January 15, 2006
its just like the dreams last year, only this time, it wasn't her. although i don't wish to have such dreams anymore, its a relief, as well as a touch of sweetness in a somewhat dull life of mine. how i wish that dream was true...
:)
a new
horizon
10:14 am
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Its been great seeing everyone. All the old friends of ol', the people who've affected me one way or another throughout 2 years of schooling. But I guess times have changed..we've distanced after being apart for so long. Probably I've changed too, but I now realize I prefer to take a backseat in human relations. I don't mind joining QZ in being not one of the people who affect the class alot in anyway, and I prefer being a smallfry in the crowd, just letting people go about having their fun. I prefer being unseen, for it helps so much better in recovering. I prefer being away from people now, I guess.
Hahaa..but its great to see old friends again :)
a new
horizon
11:20 pm