Saturday, December 31, 2005

http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/multi.html
Maybe its time I learnt something from the meister..perhaps it can stop me from being stupid all over again.

a new horizon 11:20 am

You find yourself in a mirrorworld, with shiny lights flashing at you at all directions. Confused and disoriented, you whirl around in a panic, trying to find a viable exit. Thousands, millions of images stare back at your frustration. You claw at every wall, seeking escape from this entrapment, while your other selves stare you down in deep scrutinization. Minutes, hours, days pass, and you lose the energy to flee this mirror world. Sinking to the ground, you finally look up into the eyes of your many selves.

"Why?! Why won't you let me go?!"

"It is time. Look at us, see who you really are. We are the people you've made, and we demand you acknowledge our presence in you. We live in you, yet you hide us from the public. Release us, or forget us. That is all we wish from you," the million yous echo in deep chorus.

"Okay! Okay! I'll do anything! Just let me out!"

Suddenly, the mirror images start to disappear, leaving one forlorn soul standing in glass. He slowly looks up, and furtively glances at you. You step forward, striding as bravely as you can right in front of him, until both of you are separated by the thin barrier of glass.

"I am the one you created this year. The one you sought to banish, but held on so tightly, that I could not leave you. The one you despised the most, yet the one you adopted as all the time. I am your sorrow, your angst, your pain and your memories. I demand an explanation, I want to be released from these glass walls as much as you do," the figure intoned quietly. "Just be true to me, just like how you would be true to yourself, and come to terms with my presence. Only then, can we be released from our torment."

"But..what do you want me to say? I don't remember much!"

"To say you forget, does not imply that you don't remember. The more you try to forget, the worse your memories distort..until the time when you try so hard to forget, your memories will no longer be true, but yet still live inside you. Your dreams will be illusions of pain and never happiness, and when you try so much and wake up, you'll only realize you are no longer you.."

"Hold my hand," the illusion extended his arm beyond the barrier, which mysteriously faded like liquid air as his hand passed through the glass.

Without a word, you reach out.

Upon contact with the inner you, a jolt of familiarity runs through your entire body. Your eyes start to black out, and dramatically, you collapse to the floor.

As the haze began to dissipate, you see yourself on the bed, twitching and turning, sleepless, disturbed. "Dreams are what that made me, and dreams you have to dispel," a voice sounded in your head. "Step forward, and enter your own world of dreams. There, I want you to undo the wrongs you are doing yourself in your dreams, to think through your emotions and set them right once and for all. Only then, are you allowed to live through to the next day."

Stunned from the change of environment, you feel your hand reaching for the figure's forehead, pressing down gently as you come into contact. The person looked so pitiful, so shrivelled and tortured by sleep. Who this person was, you couldn't tell, but yet that similar familiarity you felt back in the mirrorworld kept nudging at your heart. Not wishing to find out the answer, you tried to concentrate your raging thoughts, and focus..

A person in a campus, running around, scanning the surroundings, searching for someone. "A fruitless search," you tell yourself. He stumbles on the unfamiliar stones in the pavement, runs into the many strangers in corridors, slips and falls on the puddle of water that he never knew was there. He crossed the road by the bare whiskers of his life, but got ran over by a rogue bicycle on the sidewalk. Disoriented, hurting, and breathless, this person continued to search, disregarding any imminent danger to his self.

"That was you last night," the image beside you nodded, looking at you sorrowfully.

The pitiful figure ran past the many classrooms in the block, asking every soul about the whereabouts of this very person he sought. Soulless stares returned his every question, every stranger unwilling to answer, or refusing to. He ran, and ran, and ran, until he could do so no more. Weak and defeated, he sank to the floor, but spied a couple in the distance, and suddenly rose to his feet.

Shaking his head, the image looked at you in silence. You tried to give an answer in retort, but there was no need to.

He said to you with sadness emanating from his eyes, "You've once consciously told yourself to forget her, to stop thinking about her, but what about your subconsciousness? Deep down, you've been hiding her from your memory purges, as you physically remove her presence in your life. But deep down, are you doing yourself justice? Its commendable that you've made up your mind to consciously stop this nonsense, but can you defeat your demons inside you?" He drew himself up, and stared at you with a pained expression on his face.

"The subconscious mind is stronger than the conscious, and if you don't release me from your soul, I will return to take over you in due time.."

Unable to return a glance, you looked at the pursuing figure. He shuffled nearer to the loving couple, until you could make out the features of them both. A deep stab suddenly rended through your mind, causing you to reel back in astonishment, just at the same time the person twitched visibly with pain.

"Was this person me? I swear I put all these behind me..why is this happening again?"

"Dreams are what make you up..only when you cease to dream, will you end your suffering.." Whirling back, you realize the image wasn't there anymore. Then again, the answer was obvious: the choking sense of melancholy was quickly invading your heart.

You turned back, only to see the figure eagerly waiting outside a classroom, apparently waiting for her class to finish. Trepidation suddenly engulfed the figure, as it suddenly enveloped your arched figure. As he saw her walking out, hand in hand with a grosteque figure, pangs of jealousy started resonating within you.

"Was it really that bad?" You questioned the phantom within you, but there was no answer. You were on your own now, stuck in a tormenting dream with a poisoning of the heart to boot.

"Tell me, would you go forth, just to say hello and be brushed aside and promptly ignored, or would you live it down like a doormat..or would you come to terms with your predictament, and shoulder on?" a chorus of voices sounded in the back of your mind. They were the voices of the battered person you saw, the ailing figure in the glass, the many yous in the mirrors. They need to be appeased, for tonight, everything must end.

Everything will end. The phantom will be vanquished. The sorrow will dissipate. The torture will cease. She will disappear from your subconscious mind. Tonight, you will dream, and you will rest.

Goodnight.

a new horizon 9:15 am

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

yeah, just passed my final theory today..not bad considering that i opened the book only yesterday night for a brief mug :p

off to driving lessons now, trying real hard to complete agenda #1 in my list of things to do when i breakup :)

ohyeah, its not that i don't wanna change the layout...i'm just so lazy to do it :P Nonetheless this trashy template's out the window soon..when i find a nice one that i like ;)

a new horizon 6:34 pm

Monday, December 19, 2005

From today on, I promise I will:

1) Hate cheese all over again
2) Stop liking purple
3) Have nothing to do with fishes, dolphins, and turtles
4) Stop spelling fish as feesh
5) Stop going into spell-like trances of forlorness and depression
6) Forget how to braid stuff
7) Start thinking other girls are pretty
8) Stop getting on my buddies' nerves about a certain girl
9) Stop dreaming of a certain girl
10) Stop addressing myself as a "doggie"
11) Have nothing to do with shepherd's pie, and butter fried rice
12) Forget where buses 171, 970, 167 lead to
13) Only remember Yishun as a place where Jun Cong and Kim Hang lives.
14) Conveniently forget the most familiar, well-walked path in Yishun to ChongPang
15) Stop looking at gift shops for plushies
16) Stop looking at other couples wistfully
17) Stop looking out for a particular girl on the streets
18) Unlearn how I stopped becoming a poser
19) Relearn how to enjoy myself playing games
20) Delete all inbox messages regularly
21) Stop bringing about a card fallaciously claiming forever love
22) Retain my dignity and stop trying to keep contact - she doesn't want to, why should you?
23) Start hating nature all over again
24) Start hating fireworks performances all over again
25) Start hating concert performances all over again
26) Unlearn swimming
27) Learn swimming by myself
28) Forget what happened last year
29) Attribute my A's result to teachers' help
30) Become uncouth and barbaric like before
31) Turn gay

Yeah man. Let's do this! Paaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrtttaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy timeee!

a new horizon 7:07 pm

Saturday, December 17, 2005

I'm back.

And I guess..thats it. It wasn't a particularly fun trip, not really after the hilarious cruise I had right before this. But neither was it horribly unbearable, although sometimes I wished I was back here. Mainly, I probably wasn't made for winter. 90% of the time, I was freezing to heck, suffering from frostbite in my fingers and toes. The company was okay..with buggers and funny people all alike. But nonetheless, that was it.

What's bothering me now is the aftermath of what I did. True enough, its time to step off the pedal, to shut off the engine, to change a new car. Or rather, to start walking. Love has been giving me the blunt end of it for half a year, and I realize its game over. Truely, game over. She's already attached, and she doesn't want any trouble. I know, I know, I shouldn't give her any trouble too, I only wanted to hear it from her. Thats all I ask. I needed the closure, and now its here, its time I moved on. She already has, and in no way I should hold her back. First love? Its gone. No more, capiche. She's already with another person, so get it into your thick head. Its time you gone off to be you again, to play the games you loved to play, to learn your driving, to be truely you. So what if she told you she wanted to be single when she left you? So what? Honestly, to be blunt, theres only one reason. You're too damned disgusting. Thats what you were to her. Too bad you realized it now. Live and learn. Be a better person. Learn to be. She's better off being taken care of by another man, happier in another guy's arms. So let her be happy, thats what you should do if you once loved her. Its time you moved on. Thought about ending your miserable life? Think ahead. You ain't halfway through the tunnel, and you want to switch off? Get out of your own world now. Live. Live again, not be a zombie anymore. Live, damnit!

And keep your promises to yourself. This time, you want to be friends? You'd better be. Don't go about getting any ideas of getting together, or bothering her. You do not have any right, for they're a couple, and you're nobody. If back then, some prick kept on bugging her to be together with him while you were together, you'll be mighty pissed, right? Same here, don't be a damned prick and be an asshole to everybody. You'll only be even more disgusting in her eyes.

I guess this is the end of a relationship, of first love. Its been sweet, but its been tragic. Live again, for you're now no longer obliged to take care of her, for she's no longer under your charge. Live freely again, for now, you're your very own again. Forget her embrace, forget holding her hand, forget her smile. They belong to a better man now.

Now go out there, and smile. Smile, for she's happy, and in a way, you'll be happier.

To tell the truth, I'm kind of relieved to see the message. Although it marks the very end, it brings about a closure to love. Now, I don't feel the heat of jealousy, nothing. I'm remarkably sane, to be honest. And I'm incredibly rational. Its been on my heart for 6 months, and its a relief to get it off. Now that she's attached, its time you moved on. Simple as that. There is no past to return to, there is the future. Maybe in uni where you'll enroll with students from the Dragon year, you'll find somebody for you, just as how she has found someone for her.

Boy, its been helluva ride, this love thing. Take a step back, and learn from it. You've made mistakes, shitlot of mistakes, so don't make them again. Now, one thing. Focus on shaving off that last 10 months from your NSF life..

a new horizon 8:17 pm

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I'm now in Korea. Just froze my balls off in the streets shopping. Someone save me from this frozen hell.

Many pretty women around, but theres only one you in my mind.

a new horizon 11:36 am

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I'm standing at the Internet area of the airport now. I just couldn't stop myself from picking up the free phone and entering your number..to the extent that I had to distance myself from my family using the phone then. How I miss you already..how I wish I had my phone with me now.

I wonder how the next 8 days will pass..I just hope I return to see your message on my phone, to see you on my MSN list online again..

Check in now. Probably will be quite some time before I return to civilization..Goodbye..

a new horizon 9:10 pm

The message has been delivered, history will be altered.

Taking the walk down memory lane at Yishun was a pretty emotional experience. With the first step off the train, I could see you in the air. Every night when I sent you home, that very scene became almost a routine environment to me. The pasar malam area, incidentally there was one when I arrived this morning. I saw us at the drink stall buying our favourite baby coconuts. The pathway from S21 foodcentre. The renovation work has finally finished, sadly only after we broke up. I've seen the place grow within our year together, a literal, physical manifestation of our time together. The long walkway down to the chinup bar, now finally rid of all cement chips and paint and banglas. The basketball court, now a stage for performances, a sight that transformed so much just within these 2 years. Things really did change.

The chinup bar still stands just across the road. I can now do 10..but you're not here to see me do it anymore. The same dodgy tile on the carpark still spurts mud when stepped upon. I willingly,purposely checked it myself. The winding path along the block still lies infested with lizards, I swear I saw a few nesting on the pipes. I emerge to see the coffeeshop, still as nostalgic as ever. The path from there to the road, barren yet covered with grass. The other workout area, just under your house. It still contains memories, how I tried so hard to do that minimal 6 chinups, so that you'll not ignore me for the day. The tear-jerking stroll down to your lift, the same stroll that I took that night before we broke up. The view from the grass patch outside to your window, it looks the same. The same old lift, slow and steady as it climbed up to level 6. The slow descend to level 4, remembering how we played "same-steps" down the stairs. I was surprised to see a bike at the area where we always parted, it looked so unfamiliar..so distant from the second-home I accustomed myself to. When I turned left, I saw a new metal frame, gilded and at the same time so strange. I guess your dad must have installed a new one, considering how the old one was rusting badly. The door had a new coat of paint, now as brown as the new metal frame. I was frantic. I thought you moved out, that I had forgotten the Walk. But I could still see the aloe vera your mom grew outside your house. The same old plants, now albeit rejuvenated and healthier than before. Things have changed.

I quietly walked up to your door, and placed the bag of presents down. A second look, a furtive glance to the door. Maybe you'll open up at the last minute? Perhaps you'll come out? Possibly you heard me? Nothing happened. I know I came here wishing to see you again, but Lady Luck never gave me the luxury. I could only turn back, and silently walk off, suppressing that nail in my heart.

Now I have to go. I'll be leaving soon. I hope you'll not reject the presents. I hope you received the presents. If anything did happen, and you never ever saw the gifts I got you, I guess its really fate that we've parted. I wish you'll consider. I pray you'll answer. I beg that you'll remember.

I have to leave now. I don't dare imagine you message me on my phone; its so unthinkable now, the distance and rift that's grown between us through our long period of noncommunication. But I always hoped that will happen. Every day until I come back, I know I'll be hoping that it'll happen.

Farewell for now. Do take care.

a new horizon 6:25 pm

Friday, December 09, 2005

Now that the day is arriving, I can't stop feeling afraid.

I keep on dreaming, dreaming of things that will never ever happen. Things that are too beautiful, that is impossible in reality. I'm afraid after that day, I can't live on properly. I'm afraid, that my emotions will run out of control once more. I'm afraid, afraid that I'll hurt you unintentionally with my actions. I'm afraid, so afraid that you'll continue ignoring me like you do..

i'm sorry guys..i need to move on..i need a break..

a new horizon 9:18 am

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

this is probably the shittiest day i ever had at work. and i think things aren't gonna be the same anymore after this..

why am i still the same irritating useless brainless nutcase?

a new horizon 6:46 pm

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

standing vigil over a deceased love.

and i lost my pass again..only this time, you're not here to find it with me like last time..

a new horizon 6:49 pm

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Have you ever experienced a dream..

a dream that was so real, so sweet, so ideal..one that you wished to stay in forever..
a dream that was so vivid, it almost seemed like reality..so beautiful that when you wake up, life became a nightmare..

that happened when i saw you walking down the stairs, dressed in the same dress at that very concert, you with the same rosy cheeks that stole my breath and heart away..you with those sparkling eyes that look as if they were the very stars brightening up my very life.

and when the alarm rang, I woke up from my reality, and I saw myself in a horrible nightmare.

..so which is reality?

a new horizon 10:01 am