Monday, October 31, 2005
Training today. Had quite a productive day, did counter duty and learnt quite alot about bullshit interpersonnel relations. After which we went down to guardroom to ZBL (Zo Boh Lan), and was called up to MINDEF for no particular reason. Had to change from PT kit to No.3 and back to PT kit again...irritating.
But oh well, while waiting for a soccerball to arrive, I decided to visit the gym at the other end of the hill, so off I jogged, up the damned hill and down to realize that I forgot the pass. Began running back, up and down the hill, to grab my pass, before returning. Oh yeah, not before entertaining s'Martin at the guard post for my stupidity. Meh.
Afterwhich, was a 5km jog! Phew...managed to run throughout till the end...deposits into my PBA! $$$! Was quite uplifted after the run, and went to check my weight. Wow, I didn't realize that I could still lose weight while in MINDEF. Now i'm a 66.5kg. (Target is still 65 at the end of the year though!) More to work on I guess!
Anyways, went around the gym doing rifle PT, reminiscent of the SPDS days. Luckily nobody was around to see me doing weird exercises with the barbells. Heh..one weird fact to note..saw both QMs of SAFPU and Gombak wearing miniskirts for cheerleading practice at the MPH. Now that's a funny sight. :P
How strong is your love for her..
a new
horizon
5:58 pm
Sunday, October 30, 2005
The words are in my head, they never left me throughout the week. This time, they are here to stay, and for once, I'll stand by them till the end. I've sorted out my thoughts, and I'm definite about what I'm going to do. What's my stand, what's at stake. Nothing matters much to me now, its just me doing it because I want her to know it. The world's constantly changing; maybe some day, a terrorist attack might just leave me dead on duty. I just don't want the opportunity to slip; neither do i want to regret if I don't tell her how I feel.
Theres so many things that I wished that I told her after the breakup, but I never mustered the strength to do so. I never had the courage to tell her all these, for fear that I might hurt her or make her hate me more. But now, I guess it really doesn't matter. I just want her to know, and after that, I hope my heart will be at peace.
Just came back from my weekend duty. Sat at the main gate for approximately 10 hours, watched 2 movies on the DVD player with ChinYong n' Michael. Shallow Hal was pretty boring at the start, but later on it turned out to be quite interesting. I guess after being in a relationship, one appreciates romance movies more than before..its just that I always seem to be able to draw lessons from each and every romance novel or movie I read or watch. Maybe there's still much to learn, much to develop in character before one is ready for love..
a new
horizon
9:22 am
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Just had my very first dismount of the year. Duty experience was pretty fine...refreshing cause its probably the first time i've done the routine which i'll do for the rest of my 1 year left in NS. Although the initial feeling of meeting the seniors was pretty bad, due to some asshole warrant spreading stories of my mistake back at range to the entire platoon:"hey,hey, ask you arh, is ow fucked up?"
Anyways, the seniors proved to be quite a bunch of nice people at first impression. I hope I gave them the similar feeling too..had quite a hearty chat with people like Chow, Jock Biao n' Chng Yong, and talked a bit with BB too. Nonetheless, just hoping real hard that things don't turn bad..
Anyways, just came back from a 5km run at the track. Felt quite bad at the start, cause I started running immediately after a heavy lunch. Suicidal..I couldn't run more than 2 rounds at a go without feeling intense stitches. After 2 tries of which I finally mustered enough determination, strength and endurance to run for 8 rounds. Pretty good try, I guess.
Went over to Westmall to shop a bit..saw a few things which reminded me of you..
a new
horizon
3:00 pm
Monday, October 24, 2005
this feeling has been growing within me ever since this week. for no reason, i know, but its just an unexplainable trend..when things are coming on fine, she'll start to visit me in dreams all over again. then i'll see her everytime i close my eyes.
and i somehow know..that its not because she's my first love, but because she's really the one, that's why i'm still so besotted and smitten by her..and i really hope this christmas i can make something special for her, even though she no longer keeps in contact with me, i hope whatever i'm going to give her will remind her that i'm still waiting for her..praying that one day, she'll allow me a second chance..
will you let me hold your hand once more..?
should i even visit nus on thursday..
a new
horizon
6:29 pm
Sunday, October 23, 2005
the unmistakable feeling that she's never going to talk to me again. the neverending hunch that she loathes my presence in the world. the everlasting fear that she'll never remove that nail in my heart for eternity..
a new
horizon
7:00 pm
I saw her in my dreams again. Its been happening even more frequently too. Maybe I should disappear from singapore for a while real soon.
a new
horizon
5:58 pm
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Just came back from range, tired and exhausted from the day's events. Got a 18 out of possible 20, which is really not bad considering the situation I was doing the shoot under. Overall the day was...boring and slackish, although there's one dumb incident that probably marred my image in front of the commanders for maybe the rest of my stay in base.
Too bad. I just hope they'll approve my leave and vacation leave.
And I'm just so glad I won back a day off. Hopefully that isn't just an empty promise.and somehow, i still miss you so much..
a new
horizon
11:45 pm
Thursday, October 20, 2005
These daily posts do help me keep my sanity, but sometimes it just compounds me to depression even further. True, penning down your thoughts and emotions does help you sort out your feelings, to cement your current emotions to certain tangible words, but the sad thing is, that you actually tend to exaggerate and worsen the situation in words. Bah.
Yet another person found out my sad story in the army today. A fatherly person in general, and as normal, he tried to help me out by chatting with me throughout the entire day. I'm glad that he bothered, and that he actually tried, really, I appreciate it, but sometimes I feel that I'm getting tired of repeating my sad story time and over again, only to fall into depression after that.
"I never quite expected you to be the one with problems. You always looked so happy, smiling and laughing with the others."
I'm trying, really. Its not as if the matter has been cleanly erased off the back of my mind, no way I want to do that. Its just that I've found a way of living on with it, dealing with it in my own way, knowing what actions to take in the future, and what actions not to. I've pondered about it at each and every angle, and I realize its a path I have to take no matter how much help I receive. Its my story; I decide when it ends.
But still, re-enacting the matter, especially on how horrible I was to..her was simply unnerving. What he said was true: It does take two hands to clap, but think again, what if one hand is stopping the other hand from doing so? I know it was my fault, for I was possessive of her. I know it was my fault, for I was acting in a way she never wanted me to. I was impulsive, indecisive, immature, and to think back, grossly irritating. Why else did she ditch me?
Reliving these reasons yet again has made me feel so inferior once again. Even when I'm actively trying to improve myself, even when I consciously try to amend my habits to be a better person, the same story is once and again posing a low wall for me to scale. For the benefit of any reader, I always bang my head on the low wall. Continuously.
"There are always other feeshes in the ocean"
What if I don't want any other feesh, other than her?
a new
horizon
6:25 pm
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Yet another lunchbreak at the resting area, listening to 93.3 as we quietly awaited for our lunch rations to arrive. Just so happens that it was song dedication period, and so happens that a really sweet dedication was read out.
In no way should I bother anyone with the details, but somehow the story stuck to me. How a guy can just fall in love with his friend so unwittingly. Still, I'm so impressed with the maturity he approached the matter, how he had the bravery to break it to her just on prom night. How he dealt with the rejection, with courage to carry on with life, and yet remaining perfectly sane about it when around her. How he actually deliberated if he was ready for the relationship, and how he actually weighed the consequences of losing her as a friend if it did not work out. I'm so impressed, for I did not.
So many things I wish to learn, so many characteristics I wish to have, so many people I wish to be..
a new
horizon
6:15 pm
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Finally finished A Walk to Remember.
Somehow I avoided approaching this romance story. I knew the repercussions, and I knew what were the consequences. Nevertheless on this very day I chose to bring it to work, and coincidentally there was a lot of teabreaks..
I can't stop seeing familiar scenes within the book. The times when I smiled wryly at myself, when the boy realized that he has unknowingly, unwittingly fallen in love, head over heels, with a girl he never thought he would love. The time when he saw the angel in that very girl, the time when he was so smitten by the beauty of her heart. The time when he finally saw how beautiful she looked, all dolled up at a play. The time when he finally held her hand.
How sweet she was, how sweet love was..
So many scenes, I could see myself in. So many times, do I see us acting the drama out, page by page, re-enacting the same dream as it happened in reality.
But yet there were times, when the heart just started to ache, as the story continued to unfold. The time when he exploded an outburst at her. The time when he scolded the innocent girl due to his frustration. The time when he had to tell the poor girl, that she was not his first love, although he was hers. The time when he professed that he thought nothing else but her, for he missed her so deeply.
The time when she told him: "You can't love me. We can be good friends, but you can't love me."
The same emotions as I've experienced, the similar heartache I felt for the boy. Regret, that he never got to know her better even when they were never together. Regret, that he never noticed how wonderful she was earlier. Regret, that he never treasured and loved her as much as she deserved, and required. Regret, that he has once hurt her so badly with his impulsiveness.
Regret..the primary thought going through my head as I silently flipped the pages, oblivious to the world happening around me.
Regret..that I was not mature enough to treasure her when we were together..
a new
horizon
6:02 pm
Monday, October 17, 2005
Today's the day I bid farewell to the people who stood beside me for these 7 months. Somehow..I don't understand why..but as I boarded the tonner I couldn't bear to take a last look at the fellows back at the foyer. As the tailgate was closed and subsequently locked, the batch of friends gathered to bid their farewell. It could very well be the last time we see each other..
I couldn't bear to look back, for I was hiding tears in my eyes. As much as I tried to stifle it, a gush of weariness and unexplained emotion was rising up my throat..we've shared too much together, had so much fun together..sometimes I just wish I treated them better. I couldn't look back, for I felt so emotionally jolted to see everyone wave at us with tears in their eyes..
Is this yet another lesson in life? Why does it suddenly seem all so familiar? Do all good things come to such an end? And is it possible for me to look back upon such events, and not regret a single thing I ever did?Goodbye my FriendsWe shared so much together,suffering, grief and joy.Seven months together, living side by side.As the time comes for us to part, we realized we were so close.And now when we say our farewells,do we truly regret about the past.Look out to the blue skies, look at each and every cloud.They carry the wishes of everyone, especially mine for you.Forget the times we've quarrelled, the times when we've misunderstood.Just look out to the blue skies, and know that I'll miss you.I miss the times we were cheated, the times when we complained;the times when all was promised, the times when all began to fade.The times when we were punished, the times when we all played.These memories live deep in me, when life was about "We".As we drove off to the distance, you waved with tears in your eyes.I couldn't bear to look back, for I was hiding mine.I know theres no point now, for I now have my job.I can only pray that, fate brings us together once again.Look out to the blue skies,look at each and every cloud.
They carry the wishes of everyone, especially mine for you.
Forget the times we've quarrelled, the times when we've misunderstood.
Just look out to the blue skies, and know that I'll miss you.
I miss the times we were cheated, the times when we complained;
the times when all was promised, the times when all began to fade.
The times when we were punished, the times when we all played.
These memories live deep in me, when life was about "We".
a new
horizon
11:16 pm
Saturday, October 15, 2005
..maybe we will end up like mr.fantastic n' invisible woman..
just finished watching Fantastic 4 with the dudes again..somehow just couldn't stop remembering that very line from her. sigh..am i really that selfish? just living in my own world..remembering her in the brightest and most beautiful memory in my head..am i too selfish doing so? will i affect her with my wistful visions?
maybe a year later, i'll give her what i have made 4 months ago. a year later, if i'm still in the state i'm in. a year later, if i truly still feel the love i have for her now. a year, to test if the love i feel for her is real..
just spent the day partying at tham's. Heheh..I must say he really knows how to be a good host ;) dinner was truly fantastic..everything was topped off so nicely as we chatted at the dinner table. Although sadly...the movie recommendation I made wasn't as nice as I expected..it was more of a humongous disappointment and a sad waste of 2hours of precious civilian life. Finally introduced QZ to dota..hopefully we can have more matches and more fun in the near future too :D
Oh well..guys if you're readin this, its been a great day out :). It just got better and better!
a new
horizon
11:17 pm
Friday, October 14, 2005
..with the last salute, the music faded into the background, as did my 7 months spent in the unit. 7 months of time, faded into the history of the past, only a bittersweet memory to remain in my head. Many emotions ran through me today..for it is the final day I spend in the very camp I've lived through so many life experiences in.
Within these 7 months, I've learnt how to endure. I've understood the real meaning of pain; its not that of a physical one that devastates, but the eversting in your heart that plagues you. I've deciphered what it really means to love someone; its not about possessing or restricting, but of understanding and trust. I've understood the torture of paying for your mistakes, for I still lament on my initial stupidity of my actions in my life ever since I've joined the army. I've learnt the true value of friends, and family, for they were the ones who pulled me from depression, and always tried to maintain a smile on my face.
So many memories lie deep within the bunks of SAFPU.
And with the last beat of the parade, all of these memories shall once again be locked somewhere in the vast recesses of the heart..
It seems almost prophetic. I knew today would be an emotional one, one that would send me back to the first day I was sent there. Never did I realize that the previous night had me dreaming of her once again, so much so that I found that I was calling out her name in the middle of the night. And so began the day..yet another dream of her, her in a distance, untouchable and yet so innocent. 4 months of breakup has done nothing to reduce the pain..the temporary amnesia of it has only worsened the guilt that was feeding off my heart. She did everything for me, yet I never treasured her truly..
As I said my final farewells to my coursemates tonight, I couldn't help feeling so down. There's so many wonderful friends I've made in my stay here, people like Ching Hang, Si Liang, Yong Loong. People who've made my life better one way or another. People who sincerely cared for me even though I never made much effort to be friendly. I'm really very blessed to have known you all. People like Tony, Hoi Wang, Jiang Hao. They've supported me all these while, asking about me when I'm down, helping me out when I'm IC, and encouraging me on even when I screw up. I'm really glad, for all the strength they've given me throughout the painful months. I still pray I grow stronger throughout the ordeal, to be a more likable person to not only everyone, but more importantly, to myself, and hopefully, to her..
Regardless of what people say or think, no matter if shes forgotten about me, or is with another guy, I somehow can't forget her. No matter, with every romance novel that flaps open in my eyes, or every movie that flashes through, with every passing dream, I still see her in my heart. I guess theres no way I can forget her, and frankly speaking, I still don't want to forget her. However, if she's happy now, I'll just keep on remembering her..but I'll quietly wish and pray that she remembers who I am..and what I meant to her before. I won't be selfish to bother her again in hopes of reviving a dead fire, but I'll forever remember the brightness of her infectious smile.
And they say, one day, the dream will end. For me, the dream of glory has ended. A new chapter begins on Monday, a life of self-discipline, where only the strength and character I've learnt from the instructors can aid me in becoming stronger.
Thank you, to everybody in SAFPU. Thank you for remembering my presence, both to the instructors of SOP and APC. Thank you for acknowledging my presence, for letting me learn. I owe you guys so much :)
a new
horizon
9:27 pm
Sunday, October 09, 2005
the winds of change fan the fires of heartbreak.
4 mths..and i'm still reeling. when will this longing stop?
when can i stop dreaming of being with you?
when will you stop making me smile happily in my sleep,
only to make me cry when i awaken?
when can i finally read romance novels,
and not think of your sweet touch in my life?
1 more year in the army.
maybe i'll see you finally again.
would you remember me then?
would you even talk to me then?
i look forward to seeing you again,
but i fear that you'll ignore me when i do.
please don't forget me,
think of the times we've been together,
think of the times i've made you smile.
think of the times we've been so happy staring at each other.
do you feel no emotion for me anymore?
i only wish to return to those days.
i know its my fault; i loved you too much
i held you too tightly, refused to let you go.
you were suffocated, slowly you detested me.
but now i've learnt my lesson.
i've made my life based on you,
and you never wanted too much attention.
but i ignored it; you were my angel and i was your protector.
i wanted to provide for you, the best anyone could give.
but it was due to that wish,
that tragedy ensued.
please don't forget me,
think of the times we've been together,
think of the times i've made you smile.
think of the times we've been so happy, staring at each other.
do you feel no emotion for me anymore?
now i roam my life, searching for purpose.
my angel has flown off to a better place, seeking a better lover.
while i'm here, seeking for my angel once again.
praying every night, ignoring the torment,
praying that you'll give me just one more chance...
a new
horizon
9:31 pm
No, I don't think I'm noble enough for that yet. Just woke up from a horrible..so real and so vivid dream. I couldn't stop feeling so crushed...no, not yet, please..
I saw her thoughts, and it wasn't pretty. Especially when she received messages from me.
"Man, this guy is fucked up."
I suddenly had omnipotence, and saw her going out with another guy. Somehow that night I ended up at her house, to see both of them chatting and having fun at a stayover. Why do I feel icy shards piercing me all over again?
Then God gave me access to her blog address. I found her thoughts, and I wished I never had.
"Maybe its time I gave love another chance."
Its all too real..I woke up finding myself in a trance worse than breathing tear gas.
I guess my thoughts don't reflect my emotions. Maybe I'm still too selfish. Maybe I should just die.
back on the road of self-improvement again..
a new
horizon
3:48 am
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Just another random thought that flashed through my mind on a sleepless night..
Now that I'm indebted to you,
I'm bound by duty to you for life.
I'll never leave your side,
and neither will you leave my mind.
Only when you've found your perfect man,
the one who can give you happiness, more than I can,
the one who can let you live in comfort, better than I would,
and guarantee your everlasting smile, and not fail like I did.
Only then, shall I forget..
a new
horizon
4:56 pm
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Its been some time ever since I enjoyed a movie. A good movie. I'm just glad I didn't miss it..even after so long the movie still plays within my head. Is love so powerful, so ideal? In the real world, is there any space or opportunity for such love to exist?
I can only laugh at my thoughts.
a new
horizon
7:26 pm
The day came, the day passed.
I was up throughout the day, running all day and night. Ferried around the island, jumping up and down the tonner. Hammering signs, removing signs. Placing concertina wires, removing iron pickets. All day, all night. On that very day, I was stuck on that very island. All 24 hours, not a single thought in mind.
But it is when we returned, to reality the thoughts seep back. While cleaning my rifle, I rushed upstairs instead. I saw many messages, all of everyone's, and one of yours. My heart skipped a beat, for joy or fear I know naught. I saw your short wish, and I was happy. Happy that you remembered me, happy that you cared. But I wonder, what now after this event, what now for the future?
Give me an inch, and I'll demand a metre. I looked forward to any event which I have a chance to see you, hear you, or speak with you. But now, I'm afraid. I look at my class, and I don't have the courage to return for outings ever. For I fear the coldness from you if we were to meet, and fear that I may not have the strength to hold my emotions if that were to happen. I fear that I will weep, for I've promised you that I would never again. I've lost you, and I've lost a world.
I wandered in my mind the whole day, wondering what were the things I should say. To reply warmly, or distant, to the you I always loved. I was afraid, that you would hate me for persistence, but yet I didn't want to drift away, for you are the angel guarding the key to my heart.
After returning, I went for a wedding dinner, only to find drifting thoughts entering my eyes. I saw not them, but us, walking sheepishly down the aisle. I dreamt that we were the ones toasting in bliss. I saw myself on the stage, singing and playing the song I've written for you, in front of everybody. There's so many dreams, but theres only one me, for you've flown high away. As my eyes red in penning down my shattered dreams, I looked deep into my heart, and I cannot find love once again. I saw my heart, chained indefinitely with a thick padlock at its ends. I seek the key, only to see you gone. As I shake my head and walk away in disappointment, the words appear, right in my head. The world is still beautiful, because you still live in it. You still bless the things you touch, the places you grace, the memories you leave. The world is still beautiful, for you still fly around, looking for your perfect partner. As I try my best to attract your attention once more, the days go by, and I improve for you. Maybe one day, we might be a happily ever after. I only live for that day.
A relapse from the stand I took, only because I missed you too much.
a new
horizon
12:41 am