Saturday, September 24, 2005

Maturity.

What is it? I seek the maturity to view the many things in life with, the maturity to conduct my daily practices, the maturity in interacting with other people, and most importantly, the maturity to deal with love.

There comes a stage, when no matter what happens, even if she gets together with another guy, if she ignores you, it doesn't mean much to you anymore. You still carry on loving her, smile when you see her smiling with another guy, secretly rejoice in your heart that she's finally happy in her life.

I'm beginning to understand. The time I've had to learn is so valuable to me, the lessons I've extracted are so precious, they've been a wakeup call to me, a 180 degree turn to pull me back from failure. I'm beginning to understand, I truly am.

She moves on, and you have to. Maturity is realization that she may never love you again, but you don't really bother. You realize that there'll be that spot in your heart forever reserved for her. Its like loving an angel. So perfect, so wonderful, yet untouchable, so sacred that she's never meant for a mere mortal like you. And you're fine with that. Its no longer painful, its just a committment that you've made. Its not about forgetting anymore. Its the memories that made it worthwhile, the experience that you've learnt from that made the times you had together precious. At the end of the day, you'll only wish to be just friends, only friends, for you know its never possible to love an angel.


Maturity, the ability to peruse your life with detachment and calmness, to make decisions based on the best deduction and logic pertaining to the circumstances, to make a certain decision and stand steadfast beside it, never regretting what you've done. To take responsibility for your mistakes, to learn from them, and to remedy them. And my biggest mistake is to lose your trust and friendship..

I'm beginning to understand..

Look back and smile. See her photos, and smile. See her in life, and smile. Smile for the fact that she's fine, smile for the fact that you have once showered love on her. Smile for the precious moments you have shared.

Smile, because she has taught you everything you now know.

a new horizon 7:52 pm

The weeks drag by. Life pulls on. Living optimistically as much as possible, but can never forget how much it pained you. The day is coming, and I'll be on Tekong fighting a war. Not the emulated combat training, but a real war within. Its like waiting for your opponent to play her next move in a chess game. Deal with what you have, and be happy with what you've got.

My wish this year, is for you to remember me, and smile. Screw world peace.

a new horizon 6:28 pm

Friday, September 16, 2005

A week of difference, maybe an opportunity to grow, to learn, to develop.

Got appointed as Platoon IC this week..the first time I ever held any appointment over others in my life. A pretty sad fact, but still, the experience was really valuable. To tell the truth, I pretty enjoyed making decisions. I enjoyed the time I was responsible for all the mistakes, or for making sure things go well. I was important, to other people.*Note: this is probably to prevent them from further punishment.* But still, this week was quite an eye-opener.

Just came back from topography exercise today, and..my group came in one of the last from the routes. The ironical thing is that we were the first to return from the morning exercise..I guess its because of the crazy route we were given later on. The 6 checkpoints were located at all the extremes of our operation limits, and I distinctively remember running up a damned hill at least 3 times just to find a mislocated checkpoint. Bleah. In the end some dick reaffixed it somewhere so high up a tree, only a giraffe could see it.

Speaking of giraffes...passed by the Mandai Zoo on our way back to camp from topo. Sigh..if only I could bring you there to let you see the very animal you wanted to see so much..

Time did pass fast. Its approximately..2-3 months already? I really hope you can remember me..and I still hold fast the thought of one day returning as a friend in your life. Still..I guess it may never be possible..I've hurt you so much emotionally..I just wish, I pray, and I hope that you'll have the heart to grant me that luxury..

13 more days. I wonder will you still remember? I'm so afraid to find out. I'm so afraid that day will come.

Can we be friends again? :/

a new horizon 7:47 pm

Sunday, September 11, 2005

A night when everybody met up. I looked left. I looked right. You weren't there.
But I already knew.

I tried to hide it, I tried to smile. I tried to talk, interact, be myself.
But I already can't.

I've met friends. I've met teachers. I've met seniors, juniors, telling me to forget.
But I already tried.

The song 3 years back, the one that we heard long time ago. It seems so relevant now. How I wish..how I wish I could dedicate this song just to you..

让我说一声对不起..

a new horizon 1:56 pm

Friday, September 09, 2005

A week of hell. Being shouted, screamed, cursed at by complete strangers, being forced into mindless physical exertions that only do so much to destroy your body, that's been my life so far. Instructors going berserk during training and acting like a bladdy fool seem so consistently cliche now..I wonder why life plays so many tricks on you. Sometimes you feel in control of a situation, and the next moment you're wheeling and played around somebody's little finger. Sheesh. I hate the army, but thats whatever life I have left.

Physically i've been tortured, and quite beaten up by the exercises the last week, but somehow my morale didn't dip as low as I thought it would be, with such a packed schedule. Partially..I don't know..because she finally replied me? Even though it was a small tiny reply, I was so uplifted by the actual fact that she responded..some of my friends shook their heads and told me to wake up, but hey, I guess its quite a good start as being friends. I hope.

Anyways, I got my first official Silver under army IPPT standards...not a bad jump from a straight-fail with no pullups to a near-gold with 10 :). Improved my running by yet another minute..now my standard lies at 10.16mins with me panting my lungs out. But still..I feel that I owe it to her that I've gotten such an improvement. After all, she pushed me on to train everytime I met her. After all, it was she who gave me the encouragement to fight for that extra 100bucks. I promised her that. Although that promise doesn't stand anymore..I just messaged her to thank her for her help. I really meant it. And I hope she feels happy to know she has improved my life, even when we've parted ways.

Ohwell. Short entry tonight. I'm off to fire guns tomorrow.

a new horizon 8:08 pm

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Spent the morning getting my provisional license..heh, didn't take a wink to finish the 1hour test in 10mins :p. Rotted at home for the rest of the day. Nothing to report. I still wish we were friends. Over and out.

a new horizon 7:25 pm

Friday, September 02, 2005

How things have changed, and how things have worsened.

I'm one week done with the course, another 6 weeks left in the camp I've spent my entire year in. Its such a rush..my life's just changed drastically yet again just within a single week. I'm posting out, posting out to a place I thought I would be happy, only to realize it may never be the case. That place may offer rest and solace, time and freedom, but I just can't put my finger on to it. I just don't feel at home there. My calling has always been in performing ever since I've joined the unit. I realized that my greatest desire is not to study and mug, but to boost my confidence in public, to perform to the numerous and great crowd everytime we have Change of Guards, or to garner the glory in doing Guard of Honour duties. I understand..this is what I want, but yet again, I guess I never learnt my lesson from my breakup..I understood what I wanted too late..

It was just this rash decision to sign up for posting out that cost me my next year of NS life. I'm really very apprehensive towards the life there. Its simply because I can't imagine myself on guard duty for the rest of my NS life, and neither can I imagine myself doing guard duties 1 out of 4 days. I can't imagine what will happen to me physically during the freedom and slacking I'll have there, and seriously, I don't want to fatten up. I know I don't have the mental strength to push myself to train and work out every day, thus I rely on the trainings to be forced on me to keep my shape. Now that I'm leaving for another unit, where life will no longer encompass such tough training, I'm afraid I'll become the fat slob that I was back in secondary school..

On an another note, I tried messaging her again this week. I waited, and waited, and waited...but she never replied me. It hurts alot, but it took alot of counselling from my bunkmates to restrain me from messaging her to ask why. I guess she still needs time. I know, I just know that I've hurt her tremendously, and its seriously possible that she can never take me as the same person again for what I've done. I just regret. I regret starting this very relationship, for I've not only lost her as my girlfriend, but I've lost a wonderful friend as well. I guess our paths were just like two trains travelling on parallel tracks, but eventually we would have to part to our destinations. Whether that would end up the same, only the future can tell. The only thing is, if she ever reads this, I just wish to apologize to her so much. For so many things, for so many reasons. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done so many things, I shouldn't have poured so much of my soul into a relationship only budding then, only to drown it off. I only can wish that one day, before I last draw breath, I can repay her for her love for me. I truly don't deserve her wonderful love back then. I never did. I'm still an immature boy, I realize, and I can only wish I can make up to her. Somehow, some way..I'm sorry, so sorry. I can only pray that you'll one day accept me as only your friend, so I can make up to you for all my mistakes back then. I now only want to repay my debt to you, for I realize there was no way I could deserve such a wonderful person you ever were to me. Allow me to take care of you from a distance, to care for you only as a friend, that's the least I can do, and I assure you, probably the maximum I will ever do now..

a new horizon 8:31 pm