Sunday, August 28, 2005

Its the presents you gave me, that tie me down to the depths of depression. But yet I won't discard them, neither will I hide them.

They represent the most happinest moments I've ever shared with you. Each present, they speak of a story so beautiful to behold. They represent the fruits of love, the wonderful feeling that I've never experienced truly within my life before. They remind me of the sweetness of love. They are the best presents I've ever received from another person. They are memories, memories of you.

One day, I wish I can tell the woman of my life about you, about the wonderful love I shared with you. If God would grant me this luxury, this fortune, that woman hearing the story, would be you..

Feesh. The word holds great meaning, great emotions for me. Probably I'll still remember you when I see such a word..

a new horizon 6:43 pm

Another haunting dream. The feelings of betrayal line yesterday's night's dream so heavily..I was once again trying to regain your love. You told me the only way was to win a death-match competition. So I did fight. I fought every single contender, slowly working to the finals. Upon which I realized in a book hidden in uni, an entry you wrote, about being attracted to another guy.

That feeling kinda ate me up from within.

The final contender was the person you chose to love instead. To see you cheer him on in slaying me..the final moments when I saw you happily in his arms, as i drew my final breath..you never wanted to get back with me. You wanted to get rid of me.

I don't like dreams anymore.

a new horizon 8:00 am

Friday, August 26, 2005

Ironical for me to blog 2 days after my last entry saying farewell..but oh well, this is the final long weekend I'll probably have for the next 2 months. I'm starting to feel mixed feelings towards this course now..I must say the superiors can be very..funny at times, but sometimes they can try to be funny, and get funny with you. Ouch.

Oh well, after 2 days of highly regimentalised life under the tyranny of a certain sergeant, I guess I'm fitting in okay. Just trying to be me, although I still don't know whether to portray a lively boy, or a lone ranger. I'm pretty happy with a few of my new friends in the bunk, and guess I'll just stay with that. I've tried not to think of her much, especially when theres not much time for even sleep and rest..but theres times when the going gets tough, the sweet moments we've always shared together always manages to push me through.

Yep, and after the tough times are over, the bitter saddness of thinking about those moments return to haunt. Maybe I just need the closure I seek. Closure..the forbidden word that ends all relationships and splits couples into unreconcilable individuals. Closure: the talk that ends it all. I don't know if I'm prepared for it, even though I need it, and definitely I don't know if she wants to give me that, or grant me the luxury of one. However, the story is not about getting together now. Its about staying friends.

I've always treated and seen her as one of the girls I could bear my heart to, to share a heart-to-heart talk and chat about my feelings. She was a girl I could connect with, and in my life, I never found such a person. Maybe it was me being rash..maybe its because its the first time I've found such a nice girl, I hastily wanted to be with her. Looking back..considering the current status quo of me losing her completely as a friend, no longer even able to chat with her, I wish I never had that audacity to send her that very message at night. Thing is, I do miss talking to her very much. Not as my girlfriend, but just..I dunno. I wish I could just chat with her about the dumb things in our lives now, like me complaining about the army, just basically ranting with each other. I miss those days, although I do admit, the days when we were together still live on vividly in my heart.

Yet, I distinctively know now that our year of love together wasn't a happy one for her..basically because none of us were prepared for it. Although we did share happy moments, the end result gave her more pain than happiness that I promised both of us to give. I took it upon myself to give her love and luxuries, but I neglected the fact that I wasn't very protective of her, cause of our different levels of maturity. I always lived in the fantasy world of love, seeing ourselves as the young happy couple living with our kids, without a care for the world as long as we loved each other. Unfortunately, she lived in the real world; if I couldn't protect her, or be a proper man in my bearings, I could never be with her happily forever. What happens in the future shall happen, but I regret my decision. Happy times aside, I regret not giving her happiness, and I regret not treasuring her as much, yet giving her the freedom she craves to live happily as a carefree soul. That was the biggest mistake of my life...

If only..we remained fishy and doggie, not darling and hubby..

a new horizon 9:45 pm

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Farewell.

a new horizon 4:14 pm

i really committed myself to that promise i made to u way back then..thats why i'm still hurting so badly..

i promised i'll love you with my heart, and love only you forever..

a new horizon 1:54 am

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

why torture yourself? its not as if she knows about it, and even if she does, its highly unlikely she'll do anything about it. she's NOT yours. she's not even your friend now. why would she bother about you? you suffer quietly but for what use? she won't come back to you, nor will she be impressed or anything just knowing about your wretched state. she wants a strong man..and you're definitely not one. buck up. here's your chance at growing up in the course. take this 2 months to learn the ways of the world. stop your whining about her. its enough. i'm damned sure she's pretty pissed with you doing all this, trying to get into her life when she subtly told you she wants nothing to do with you anymore. she's not your girl, she's not under your protection, she's not your girlfriend.

she has a new boyfriend called uni.

a new horizon 7:19 pm

So tell me. Its frightfully haunting to sleep nowadays. To simply take a nap and wake up to see yourself drenched in cold sweat and a pool of tears around you..I don't know how long this will last..the dream felt so real, the emotions felt so raw..

We were on this bridge..it looked like the one near her house, somewhere near Thomson Plaza. The one that rocks everytime the traffic is heavy. She had finally accepted me back..but a robbery took place..and a shootout ensued. A stray bullet hit her square in the heart as she fell into my arms.

..i thought i wouldn't feel so broken after so long. but i guess the strongest emotions still revive in your wildest nightmares..especially this one..to lose her right after she accepts me..not being even able to shield her from attack..

why do i have such sad imagination..?

a new horizon 5:23 pm

its simple isn't it? you ache because you allow yourself to. upon seeing anything that belongs to her, you unknowingly sink into depression. weak. you can forget if you try.

But do I want to forget her? I know life goes on, but the struggles in my heart still continue. Will she ever give me another chance, in our lives on this world? Probably stupid to think this way..but what if? What if she did give me a chance, but I didn't take it? What if shes waiting for me to talk to her again?

That's why I'm suffering too much. I know too little of her, and I'm not talking to her. And I can't stop thinking of her, neither can I easily forget her. Your first love will always be the best, and will forever be the yardstick upon all other girls in your life compare with. Somehow, I don't know if I'll ever find another girl who'll not live under her shadow..

a new horizon 11:15 am

Monday, August 22, 2005

i don't like this rollercoaster of a ride i'm taking. i feel so much like a mortal shell now..i don't want to go on like this..why am i goin up and down?

*rant*

a new horizon 8:43 pm

Jiaho..why do you still look for her so much? You've read so many self-help books, thought through so much, listened to so much advice..don't you cherish your freedom?

But..to lose her completely is so hard to handle..I realize the reason behind looking for her this time, is not to get back together, not to pursue what has already left our lives. I only wish to talk to her as a friend now, to find out how she's doing in uni..truly. I don't know how she thinks of me now..or even if she ever thought of me..but I just wish I could have a little cornerstone of her in my life. Even if it means an occasional sms, or just saying hi to each other..that'll suffice for me.

Why? Why do this again? Didn't you tell yourself not to?

..
she's still very important to me. I know, I know, don't start. Men should learn how to put down what they've taken up...right? Its just that, I can't stop wondering if she's doing okay, whether if theres anything making life difficult for her except me..I truly wish she can be happy forever you know..and I guess this may seem impossible, too ideal in the real world to happen. But..I just want to know that she's happy. And I hope she can be guaranteed happiness forever...mainly because she was my first love..the girl I always wished to be and to give happiness to. If I can't do it for her, the least I can do is to pray for her success at every turn of life. I owe her so much for her love..I owe her too much..it isn't me to just leave her after what she has done for me throughout our love life. Honestly..I want to repay it to her..in what way, I don't know, but cutting off contact with her...I feel so indebted to her for life.

..I can't be bothered with you, Jiaho..if you're not going to be strong, theres no way you can live through this hurdle.

Trust me..I want to live it through..I want to live on, to stop living in the shadow of my past love life. Its already over, and I can only look ahead. The feelings will still plague me till the day when my blood spills over..or when I truly feel that she's happy enough without me, happier with another person who will treasure her and give her so much more than me. Until then..I can't stop wishing to repay her for her undying love. I can't stop wanting to talk to her, to get to know more about her, to just be friends with her.

You don't look too convincing in being friends with her. More of like you still want to be with her.

I can't deny I once lived every day in trepidation, praying that she'll be back with me in a while. But now, I just *sincerely* want to be friends with her. Maybe she can't take me back as a friend now, I don't know, but I hope she won't just leave me and forget me..else I guess I really wouldn't have started this relationship in the first place. Don't you see it my way? Its really such a waste..I've not only lost my girlfriend, but I've lost a really good friend whom I always talked with..If I knew it would come to this, I would have just crushed whatever liking I had for her back then..and continue to be just good friends with her..that would have been so much nicer..

*sigh* You're incorrigible. Bordering hopeless. Wake up..this is reality..she may have forgotten you already, come on, she has so many new friends around her. Who are you to her now?

..probably nothing. I know I probably won't mean anything to her now. And the previous hurt and pain I've caused her, I would be happy to be...nothing...rather than her hating and avoiding me. Even if I did want to make amends, theres *no* way. Amends can only happen if we're still together, and I don't think she wants me back ever again. *sigh* Its such a waste..if only I met her later in life..


*a morning spent in self-thought, self-bashing, and misery.*

a new horizon 10:49 am

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I dunno..went over to tuition my cousins today in physics, math, and GP today. Felt quite accomplished to still remember how to correctly solve some physics questions though..and was quite happy to be able to help a bit in GP. Hope it does work out for him..

Anyways, the thing that struck me was the fact that my uncle just came up to me, shook my hand, and congratulated me..for me becoming "free" again. Felt quite bewildered then..and when he came back to chat with me later, I started feeling a bit..sad again. Listening to him explain things in such a comical and simple way, made me regret the mistakes I've made in my relationship with Yuwei..

"Girls want to be in the arms of someone strong, someone who can protect them forever. Trust me, girls melt in the arms of someone mature and strong enough. In such a way, boys are forever less mature than their counterparts of the same age..definitely you can't provide her the level of maturity and strength she deserves and asks for. When she goes over to uni, she sees the men there, a level much higher than you in maturity, and of course, thats why you break up. When you see yourself in the arms of your girl, being dominated by her instead of the other, theres definitely something wrong, and its in no time, she'll leave you.."

How true that can be..how sad..and how true..I guess I'm not strong enough for Yuwei after all..

a new horizon 9:57 pm

Saturday, August 20, 2005

An afternoon at the gym did quite well to lift me from the mindless routine of...off-days. Unfortunately, I realized I was basically going through the SPDS warm-up throughout the whole 2hours I spent there..the 10-counts of 8 of rifle PT using dumbells, and the 60 assorted pushups to top off the exercise session. Hahaa..maybe the army life has already infiltrated the core of me..

Heh. Who am I really? Am I a hermit or am I a socialite? Sometimes I look inside..and I can't decide. Probably the latter before..but a hermit after. Oh well. Change for the better...stop thinkin about her..

guess i'm no longer me anymore.

a new horizon 9:19 pm

Friday, August 19, 2005

Who moved my Cheese?

I know its pretty sexist to discuss females as..Cheese, but taking the book into context, maybe it sheds some light into whatever's been plaguing me these months. To her, she might have been "Smelling the Cheese, to find out when its growing old." Maybe to her, the relationship was wrong, and she just had to embrace change, to move on and find a better man. As for me, I saw myself as Hem..the one who couldn't change himself for the situation. I held on to the past, to her absence. I still wanted to believe in the Cheese coming back, that someone would put the Cheese back to where it was with me. I couldn't think of how I could live on without the Cheese. I didn't know the gradual change to the Cheese, and was shocked when I realized it has ran out.

Its time I take a back seat, and laugh at myself, to venture into the Maze again.

But in no way, does this mean that I'm looking for another replacement, or heck, for that matter, hunting for a girl. New Cheese awaits, in terms of a new life. "Picture yourself with New Cheese." Maybe I could be living happily, maybe even happier than with her? I guess I have to see through Life's many changes..the fear of losing your Cheese is the only thing that paralyzes you from venturing out and exploring the Maze of Life.

The lives of Men are always so complicated. In times of change, maybe its good to think simple, and never to overanalyze things. You can look at it in a simple way. She doesn't love you anymore, and you move on. If she ditched you, it means she doesn't want you, and does not deserve your love anymore. So you go into society a free man, and do all the things you ever wanted. Simple? That is how change is, but as men, we often think about the past, the present, and the future. "But we enjoyed so much fun together back then.." Holding on to the notion of old cheese. Whoever moved the Cheese, won't be putting it back again. Life changes, and the only thing you can do is move on. Every change is opportunity for new experiences, for progress. The present: "I feel so horrible now, I really do miss her. I wonder how she's doing..does she have a new bf?" Truly, I know this is the emotion I've been going through, the fear of losing your loved one. You still want the Old Cheese, but have you smelt the New Cheese around the corner? Maybe, just maybe, I could have more time for music again..maybe I could fulfil my ambitions in music before being tied down as a husband to somebody. Who knows?

The future holds much murkiness..definitely people would be afraid of the unknown. Haw, one of the Littlepeople who eventually shook off his mental cage to venture out to find New Cheese, felt so tired and hungry after staying at the old Cheese site after its been exhausted. I don't wish to hurt myself unnecessarily now..I want to live on, let life throw its obstacles at me instead of failing at this huge hurdle. I know there'll be more hurdles in love, maybe concerning her, maybe not. Let it come when it does then..to learn from the mistakes I've made, that should be the priority. The Maze looked so daunting, due to the fear of not finding what you want in the final destination. But seriously..I guess the main thing is about keeping your chin up in times of adversity. So what if you can't find your life in New Cheese? You're making an effort to do so..surely its better than camping out and suffering back in your old life without Old Cheese..

New Cheese, here I come.

a new horizon 7:35 pm

Yesterday night was pretty much the best dinner function I ever went to. It just felt so..comfortable, with the whole unit really having fun with the games and interaction. Somehow, I felt as if I was in a family..pretty cool to feel that way when you're still in the army. As we spent our last night together as a bunk, sitting together in a table, its a pretty bittersweet experience knowing that that night could very well be our graduation from APC. Furthermore, the goading of our batchmates for the famous stars of our batch is ultimately hilarious..seeing kahyong sing his famous "Ai Pia" song on stage, just like the old times in council elections, or seeing Zhuoyan do his horny peacock for a dance..that night, our batch bonded together as one. Simple a wonderful experience that i'll never ever forget.


Not everything went on nicely that night though. As I drifted into slumberland..another haunting dream came on..and this time, it was just so, so surreal. She's back again, and this time, I dreamt that I actually gone all the way to court her..and I got her affections back. All was nice and sweet in the dream..and my parents even complained that they heard me calling her name in my sleep..I distinctively know I did, for I was shouting her name in the streets of the dreamworld, searching for her.

The pain sets in, when you wake up from such a dream. When you wake up from a realistic dream only to find that its nothing but a dream, it feels as if..you're back to square one, that you know that she'll never be with you again. Torturous..even when I've kept all the treasures she's given me..even when I've lost all contact with her, and I've lost all our pictures..she still appears in my mind.

*sigh*

a new horizon 9:26 am

Monday, August 15, 2005

Don't speak, seal your lips,

Please don't say a word

Maybe I won't remember the words I have not heard

I don't know if you're in love, I know it's not with me

But I don't want the truth to haunt my memory

It's never too late to relight the fire

It never stopped burning for me

The flame, it never died inside of me

How is it now that I can tell you I love you

How is it only now that it's too late

What can I do, the love we had is torn in two

So you take the smiles from all of our years

And I'll take the tears

I sit and reminisce, of times that we once shared

You gave me more than love

But never thought I cared

My feelings were all for you

Although it didn't show

I only told you on the day you let me go

It's never too late to relight the fire

It never stopped burning for me

The flame, it never died inside of me

How is it now that I can tell you I love you

How is it only now that it's too late

What can I do, the love we had is torn in two

So you take the smiles from all of our years

And I'll take the tears

Now I realise that you're no longer mine

But I'm hoping that the pain will ease in time

Although you're leaving, I won't say goodbye

Because I know you're here with me inside

How is it now that I can tell you I love you

How is it only now that it's too late

What can I do, the love we had is torn in two

So you take the smiles from all of our years

And I'll take the tears..

a new horizon 2:59 pm

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Its time to prioritise my goals in life. He's rite..she's right...everyone's right..I have to move on. Don't bother about the possibility of being together again. For the time being, I've to move on. I've to think hard...what's my life going to lead me? For now, without her in the picture, who am I, really? The person I truly was before I gave my soul to her, before I was transformed by her..do I want to revert back to the old me?

Somehow, theres room for improvement. I want to change. I look at myself, and I know theres deficiencies that I want to plug. I want to learn new skills, explore new horizons. Theres much to do within my 2 years of army life, so many things I can learn. I want to learn driving. I want to polish up my guitar. I want to revise my chem. I want to improve my public speaking. I want to experience so many things. Maybe its time I settled down to fulfil these wishes. I now know...during this time which I'm giving her to cool off, to take me back as a friend or hopefully, more, I shouldn't be focusing much on her either. I know she'll occupy that special place in my heart for being my true first love, no matter how I try to forget, she'll still stay deep within my heart. Hopefully I'll be the same to her..but I shouldn't even think about so..

Thing now is, I've to convince myself. She no longer belongs to me, not under my protection, and is absolutely under no obligation to love me. As such, she's free to do whatever she wants. I don't know how to interpret the news of her being close to another guy, or going out with him alone. Now, I want to convince myself:

Its a test of whether you'll stay together even if you did get back together.

Truly, after the talk last night, I realize..uni life is absolutely different from our lives in JC. It seems that guys and girls mix around in a great spawning pool for couples, and intimacy as friends is often seen. I guess I'll have to abandon myself to fate: If we're ever meant to be together, she'll return to me no matter what obstacle, no matter whichever man she meets. If I ever saw her down the road with another guy, I have to tell myself..if I can't even trust her, theres no way I will handle the stress of her being in uni while I'm in the army, being the insecure creature I am..for I'll worry day and night about her going out with guys...guys who to her, may be just a normal friend.

That's what I want to believe. That's what I'm trying to tell my heart.

She's very close to this particular guy now..and there is nothing I can do about it. She seems to be doing pretty well in school now, being happy and having a wide circle of friends. I know I'm jealous of the guys in her company..but I have to back off from her. Its not doing the situation any help if I contact her when she apparantly can't accept me as a friend now. Its no use trying to explain love with logic, nor invalidate feelings with logic..I guess thats where guys and girls always remain different. Theres no short and easy solution to feelings..I guess its all up to her, whether she feels I'm the one who deserves her love, who can take care of her for life. She's off on her own now..whatever choice she makes, I'll have to be happy with it. If she does get together with that...guy..I want to truly convince myself, that I'll be happy for her. I'm still on shaky ground on whether I want to fight for her love in this scenario, but if it does happen in such a short time between our break up...I'll just have to question how much I truly meant to her..how much our love meant to her..and how much did she treasure the happy times we ever had.

For now..let the questionmarks lie..I'll learn to live on...as a better man. And this time, I'll do it not for her, but for myself. For the future, however bleak, however bright, whether she's there to enjoy it with me, or not. I guess this is what I'll need to convince myself.

Who I will be...who I will become...

a new horizon 10:33 pm

Friday, August 12, 2005

I don't think she's even ready to talk to me as a friend. Nothing but a mindless reply that shows her displeasure at talking with me. For now..I guess I'll back off. No point really..

What's your goal, your aim in life?

I realize. Our time on this world is just but a fleeting moment, all happiness and misery are just but a slide within this short dream sequence. I guess what I really want in this life, is to make my mark..somehow or another, in society. Either through my work, or my achievements. Corny, huh? Well..somehow it doesn't seem as corny now that i've been through nearly a year of NS. No longer a boy, not yet a man. That's who I am, and I'm still finding my aim in life. So far, I've gotten my mission set. I'll just focus on bettering myself..and hope that the fantasy fairy tale endings appear in my life..

a new horizon 5:38 pm

Thursday, August 11, 2005

A cool shower. Thought about it the whole night, after chats and counsel sessions. I know its a risk to take..if it goes wrong, there could never be an "another try". Do I have the guts? Or do I have the time even? I know uni is where couples appear..and I don't know how many guys she'll attract..

Should I even take action this year? I'm waging the two factors...opportunity...and time. Of course I'll wish to give her the most amount of time possible alone...but theres such an internal struggle going on..I don't want it to be so long that we forget the fun we ever had...and I don't want it to be too short that she's still hurting from the pain I caused her.

I feel like such a bloody damn jerk.

For now..I'll just try to start talking to her again..and focus on being a better man..

a new horizon 9:18 pm

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A long week of soul-searching, amidst the perpetual hurt.

I guess those who know me well understand that I never give up my ideals, let alone those I hold dear. As the days wear by, as the major event of my calendar disappears into the forgotten history, I can't stop the nagging feeling that..I can do more. In fact, I know that whatever I do now, I can't screw up.

Another battle is looming. One that's far bigger than any I've fought in my life, one that has the most important thing at stake..one I can't afford to lose..

"Maybe after a long time, you'll come to realize why you broke up in the first place.."

Looking back, I find several possible factors on why I actually had such a bad encounter. Call it first love, really, for I never gave the whole of my emotions, exposed all of my soul to a single girl ever before, not before her. And due to her being my one true love..I naturally became overpossessive, a control-freak, and I held her too close to me..so close that neither one of us had time to be ourselves. I now know, that I wasn't being the old me then, and I now know, that she was tolerating my personality till the breaking point..

But all will change. I now know what is wrong.

I once quoted, to love someone truly, is to keep that person happy at all costs. Now, I want to further that cause for Yuwei..I want to keep her happy, and give her happiness for the rest of her life. I know...she doesn't want me to make these promises, for they hurt more when we break them. But I swear, I swear upon everything I own and everything I have, its going to happen. Honestly. I've been treating her like a little girl. Now I know what she wants..its no longer puppy love, but time for me to treat her like a mature adult..a person who needs her own time, not spending every second with me. She will have her own group of friends, as I will, and when we can't meet, neither will I sulk and complain, for I'll find things to immerse myself in.

And now, I begin my battle. I fight to win her heart over once more, this time, I know it'll be so much tougher than at the beginning. Back then, we were just friends, not knowing anything about each other, and anything was possible. Now, theres a rift between us, and the only way I can get back with her is to convince her of happiness with me again. I'll have to do dramatic things..this time. No more shyster. I'll go all out..she's still too important for me to lose. I know..I just know..trust me on this. I owe her a romantic pursuit for her heart..the last time was too tawdy. I'm no longer wandering around anymore. A mission in life, a mission today, to change our lives. She might reject me, that I know, but after soul-searching, I've decided. Pain, I will endure. Rejection, I will handle. But as long as she isn't married...I'll keep trying. Even if she has another bf, I'll still keep on trying. I won't take this lying down..I won't just step down and give up the person I know i'll love forever..I won't quietly back away from the girl I never knew I always wanted to be with. This is me.

One day, I'll touch her heart again. God give me strength..I will win her heart..

a new horizon 1:43 pm

Monday, August 08, 2005

[4F-er] al - teas says:
u see the problem with trying to be friends
[4F-er] al - teas says:
is.. its hard to be friends without imagining
[4F-er] al - teas says:
then if it goes on, someone will get very hurt
[4F-er] al - teas says:
worse than now

..damn farkin true..
am i noble enough to let you go..no longer in contact, no longer a friend..?


so painful..do we really have to go to this extent?..:'(



its such a waste. its just such a waste.

a new horizon 10:15 pm

Traces of pain are slowly trickling back into my life again..its starting to hurt real bad. I do miss her, theres no doubt about it. I want to live on strong..and to follow the counsel of my friends..to improve myself, to find someone who appreciates me..to love myself..but I find myself wandering back on the trodden path. I miss her so much..its just so painful..

I never ever asked for a present during my birthday. Not from anyone ever.
But this year, I pray, and I wish, I beg..I wish for a second chance. I wish her to be with me again.

Today I spent the remaining time of the day in town walking around..I don't know why..I nearly ended up tearing everywhere I went. Seeing happy couples together..holding hands..I miss the times we were the ones strutting down Orchard Road. Everywhere I went today, I kept a look out for her..how I wished she was somewhere in town..even as I followed her footsteps down Plaza Singapura today, I can't bear to think..that I could have missed her by just a day. I really miss her...I really do...

Did anybody watch the HK serial on sunday? Somehow..I'm feeling such anguish. I love her...and I can't be with her. I've long exhausted the patience of my friends, that I know. I keep on thinking about her, when they've long advised me to think about other stuff, to focus my energies elsewhere.

But I really..really can't stop thinking about her...I miss her and her absence has only magnified the love I feel for her. It feels as if we're in 2 worlds now...but I wish she could give me a second chance..just to start anew even..forgetting about all the bad experiences she ever had..I just want her to feel the love again..and I want to give my love to her once again..

I really think I can't accept another girl. Haiz..I can't forget you, darling..I really can't forget you..

a new horizon 8:06 pm

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Sentimental.

My weakness.

Poison. Hurting from within.
Self-inflicted, hindering progress in life.
Slowly, eaten from inside.
When will this end?

Will you be my antidote?

a new horizon 9:39 pm

Emotional tonight. Will attribute it to hormonal influx.

You messaged tonight. I'm trying to deal with it. Have a wonderful first day at uni :)


*urgh* why do i still miss you so much..

a new horizon 9:05 pm

Friday, August 05, 2005

I'm living life to the fullest. Thats the least I could do for myself now. I'm so lucky to have so many friends being with me throughout this period of time..thankfully I also have my computer to distract me from the pains of breakup..I hope I'm coping well..

In retrospect, I'm just living life day by day now. I'm so glad that she replied my messages...maybe she's feeling better about treating me as a friend now. I seriously don't want to lose contact with her..whatever nonsense thought about getting together is just hidden back in my mind. Maybe in the future..who knows?

I'm just glad to be on my feet again. :)

a new horizon 6:40 pm