Thursday, July 28, 2005

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you back,
Be gentle with yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you,
Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her,
Feel honoured that love came and called at your door,
But gently refuse the gift you cannot return.
Do not take advantage; do not cause pain.
How you deal with love is how you deal with you,
And all our hearts feel the same pains and joy;
Even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with anyone,
and he/she falls in love with you,
and then chooses to leave,
Do not try to reclaim it or access blame.
Let it go, there is a reason and a meaning.
You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love,
Love chooses you.
All you can really do is to accept it
for all its mystery when it comes into your life.
Feel the way it fills you to overflowing,
Then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive to you,
Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit.
Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

That is where many lovers go wrong,
Having been so long without love,
They understand love only as a need.
They see their hearts as empty places
that will be filled with love,
And they begin to look at love
as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing.
But as their love cools,
They revert to seeing their love as a need.
They cease to be someone who generates love,
And instead become someone who seeks love.
They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift,
And that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart.
Love has its own time, its own seasons.
And its reasons for coming and going.

You cannot bribe or coerce it,
or reason it into staying.
You can only embrace it when it arrives
And give it away when it comes to you.

But if it chooses to leave from your heart,
Or from the heart of your lover,
There is nothing you can do,
and there is nothing you should do..

Love has always been,
and always will be a mystery.
Be glad it came to live for a moment in your life.
If you keep your heart open,
It will come again.



Thank you for the enlightenment.

a new horizon 11:16 pm

Somehow that bit in Jaymie's blog did work its magic. I kinda feel much better now. No longer shall I flounder around like a lost soul..I'm just glad it all happened.

This week was spent in laughter and recollection..and I do feel the old me seeping back slowly, quietly again. Music's definitely dropped back into my habits...the guitar has became an old friend again. I'm starting to be interested in gaming, and I'm learning how to pamper myself again. Its time I mended my poor self I guess. I'm really grateful for all the advice, all the endless talks and encouragement from all of you, especially you, phy n' jay :). Thanks for all the companionship that's been with me these days, especially from my dear bunkmates. Special thanks to my dearest buddies, Kaimin, QZ, Tham, all of you..I guess I would never have understood how to deal with such a chapter in my life. Now that its just brushed past me, I'll start on a new journey of self-preservation..self-improvement. I'll learn the ways of living fruitfully..no longer shall I waste my time away endlessly with no goal in sight.

My priorities shall change. No longer is it oriented to that of others, not of friends, not of my girl/ex. Its time I changed..neither do I want to be the me in JC. No way, not then. Its really time I understood the significance of this breakup. Its a wake-up call. Time to live on, stop the dreams I once held loftily in my mind. Love won't be the only and most important thing now. Maybe one day, I'll finally find the one person who can appreciate me, for being me. Who knows anyway? Until then, I'll brave through the obstacles in my life alone. Alone, but with the help of all my dear friends. Thanks for being with me all the way, guys. I won't give up.

Finally, Yuwei, I loved our time together, and I treasure every present you took the pains to make. Its been a wonderful time with you, and I hope you felt so too. Now its time for us to part, and I wish you all the best in your studies. Please convey my apologies to your family for not being the one person who'll be with you forever. It has been great knowing everybody. Special mentions to your sisters, for accepting me and treating me with warmth everytime we meet. Thank you so much, I'll live on strong too. Until the next time we meet, Yuwei, I guess it is goodbye. Don't be a stranger, k? :)

Thank you everybody. =)

a new horizon 8:51 pm

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

She's gone.

Not a trace of her anymore. Not even a single contact left. No longer in my life. No news of her anymore. She's gone, gone with the sands of time. No longer a friend to me, she's just gone. She's disappeared within the folds of society, hidden from sight, no longer part of me. Its too late to regret now.

She's gone.

Goodbye.

a new horizon 7:01 pm

Monday, July 25, 2005

Disturbing. The fact that i'm leaving behind a trail of scattered memories down the path of life. Before I truly suffer from the amnesia of time, I really should pen down whatever made my life so beautiful back then. Theres nothing to keep to myself now. Its already over. The future lies open, many crossroads to take, many doors to unveil. Its time. This is my story.

Back a year and a month ago. I remembered the very occasion even. Inspirations..the strings performance back then. How I remembered the very few messages..and how we randomly chatted during our break-times at guitar practice. Fondly..I can remember what made me actually go for the concert. Not for the performance itself..but because she went. She wore a beautiful dress then, one that cemented our paths for a year. I can remember how mesmerized I was back then..and I remember the internal chaos I went through before meekly messaging her while on the train.."your dress looked fabulous tonight.."

Birthdays..I actually celebrated her birthday twice..and I'm not fortunate enough to spend mine with her..The very first time, we went to Changi Airport. We had Swensen's then..she was wearing her black top, one that her student bought for her..the scene was as vivid as yesterday..I gave her the one thing that she always hugged on bed..our Snowy..I wonder if he still occupies the same place on her bed now. It may be foolish, but I do wish she still loves him..for he's the only part of me still living on in her life.

She's given me so much, so much love back on our year together. Numerous, several letters, now sealed and hidden from view, all enscripted with her beautiful handwriting. Theres even one she scented with her favourite perfume..its green in colour, and she gave it to me during GP lessons at Block C. That should be a Friday. Haiz..not to forget my birthday presents. They still lie around in my room. The bone cushion she painstakingly sewn for me cause of my back injury then...I still hug it to sleep at night...the photo album she compiled with photos and decorated with all her artistic talents..the doggie she got me, standing lonely in a corner with his dishelved fur..remembering the times when we just used him as a paper-weight when we studied for exams at my house. The paper-weight in the shape of a heart which she painted and decorated. The shirt she printed with a hand-drawn picture of a dog and the date she said yes to me...

So much love, so much heartbreak.

I'm unfortunate. My birthday gift to her was my farewell gift..

I guess Flippy would never enjoy the love we shared between us. I spent all my time searching Singapore for him..for he was truly the last plushie seal that was on sale. But that would never be justified..for he only served as a way for me to say goodbye..

I intended this to be a long summary of our year together. But I can't go on any longer. I'm feeling no better as I progress. I'm sorry I have to end. I don't want to forget my memories..but I have to..

someday i'll look back on this post and smile to myself. thank you, yuwei. you've given me love that i never experienced before. yuwei, if you ever stumble upon this one day, i hope you'll forgive me for all the reactions i ever had about our breakup. as much as i would love to continue being your good friend, i know that messaging you would only serve to annoy you. i decided to stop messaging you because i can't hurt both of us any longer. i'm sorry, but i truly loved you, and i truly cared for you. believe me, i'll still think of you when those songs play over the radio, for you were the one who taught me to listen to 933. you changed me to start buying the cds i like. the me now..is the product of your love. thank you for bringing me from the depths of ignorance. farewell..and take care of yourself. i'll still be living here, i'll still live on. if one day, you wish to talk to your first love, come to me.

goodbye. a new chapter will begin.

a new horizon 9:55 pm

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Enlightenment?

I don't really know. But all I know..is that to stem the pain, I have to adapt a bo-chup attitude. Am I dropping back into the valley of depression? Maybe. But this time, the difference shows.

I won't fucking care.

Thats the spirit. Don't bloody damn care about anything anymore. Nothing will hurt as long as you don't give a shit. So what? Big deal. I don't care. Not my business. Who's she?

I guess thats the attitude I have to adapt to carry on..I know it will be tough..and I'm losing a dear friend in her by doing so..but there seems no other way..how else can I mask the care I still harbour for her in my heart? This is the only way I can cheat myself into never thinking of her again. What a pathetic end to my puppy love..but I have to carry on...I got to harden my heart this time..I'm sorry..

Its just that..now you don't want me ever again, I really should forget you. As you said, who knows what will ever happen in the future? I'm going to take the future by the balls. We'll see if you would want to get back with me ever again. But for now, you're no longer my darling, my dear, my sweetheart. You're You. Your true, free self now. Swim off to your bright future, for its no longer tied to mine. I won't care. Neither will I allow you hurt me when I see you out with another guy. No longer. If the fate allows, we shall see. But I'm going on my own journey. I'm going to be stronger..I won't be so sentimental anymore. I'm going to nurture the birth of a character I never thought would appear. Go fly off to your horizons, with your friends, seniors, I'm not going to care anymore. Cold. I will become what I feared to be, and this will from now on, protect me from harm. Cynical. What the heck is love? Pain. That's all it will ever end up to be. Even if you live together for a long time, pain will always exist. Never am I going to reveal my vulnerabilities again. I don't bloody care for anyone anymore. Distance yourself from your emotions. That's it. Pain is transient, so is everything else. Pain is self-inflicted, and bloody-damnit, i'm not going to cause hurt and pain to my family through my behaviour either. Only time can remove these nails from my heart..and I swear, I won't be hurt again. Balls to relationships. I don't need women. Watch me.

I'm gonna make it big in life. When the time comes, when the time comes..this folly would assist me in my career.







so am i doing a good job cheating myself?

a new horizon 9:53 pm

Friday, July 22, 2005

I've been thinking. In fact, I've thought so much these 2 weeks, I don't believe theres anything else for me to consider.

I don't even know if I should check her blog. I don't know. I'm lost.

We did mention that we'll still be good friends. But why am I still being ignored for every message I send?

I want to delve back into my cave and think about it..to find a solution to all these, but everytime I emerge a cynical man.

Is there any end to this pain?

A week has flashed past. Previously, a week was just a week. Weekends were the times I truly came alive. But now..a week is just..hell. I'm hearing comments and counsel from all sides..teaching me and telling me to be strong, to move on, to learn how to let go. I want to.

But I can't.

:(

My heart can't bear the pain. I'm still bleeding deep inside. I'm hiding it well now, but I'm bleeding beyond all pain. Everyday I immerse myself in sadistic training, trying to get my mind off her. The muscles may ache, the bones may strain..but my heart still feels like a thousand nails pierced through it.

"At least you spent a year of happiness together..take heart in it."

Of course. I take heart in it. And thats exactly why I'm taking it so hard. I truly treasured her..I wanted to give her all I will ever earn and own. Someone once asked me.."Do you want to marry her in the future?" Theres no hesitation. I did want to marry her. I made so many promises to her, I did want to make her feel loved all her life. Now my love has suffocated her..so much so that my presence has turned her off..that she seems to avoid me totally.

What has my life came to? Is there no end to this misery?

Theres so many times I wanted to call her and talk. But before I finally press the call button, I get scared. I don't want to hurt her again. I don't even want her to drift further away. I know I'm stupid. I'm like a leech hanging on to someone trying to shake it off. But..I need her so much..

My dad once consoled me amidst my anguish and misery: "Improve yourself to be a better man. In the future, she'll be the one who'll regret this decision." Theres so many things I want to improve myself on..but I just can't. I can't focus anymore. I'm no longer me. I never stared up at the clouds all alone in a crowd of friends, feeling so lonesome before. I know i'm mentally scarred..and as much as I want to heal...theres no way out of this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

But believe me..do you know how painful it is to know, deep inside you, that your soul is dying?

I never want to make her regret this decision. I want her to share the me i'm going to improve, if I ever do. But things never will go this way. How hard is it for us to be together? I don't think she even feels comfortable talking to me anymore..what can I do to further our cause? Nothing seems to keep my attention for long now..I'm just constantly praying for her to miss me..

That won't be the case. She's in a whole new world now. We're separated by a huge gap of life, and theres no spacecraft to take me from my horrible regimented life to her flashy eventful university life. She has stolen my heart, and who knows..it may never come back..

Its been so long ever since I cried so badly. Love hurts so much. I don't know if I'm willing to risk my vulnerabilities for another time. I'm no longer part of her life..she is having fun everyday with her friends..and prefers that than suffering her lack of freedom with me. I no longer interest her..I no longer attract her..I've lost whatever spark that gave her love long ago.

I'm a failure. I can't hide it anymore.

:'(

a new horizon 2:24 pm

Monday, July 18, 2005

Its weird.

I never spoke about anything in my life for nearly a year. So much has changed. So much has happened. A chapter of my life just flashed through within such a short period of time. I didn't mention of it in the first place, thinking that theres no need for others to share my eternal happiness. No. Its all mine. For me to enjoy, for me in my heart.. theres no need for others to know..

But now..I'm back to the days when I stopped blogging. Has anything changed? I hope to think so. I hope that I've grown stronger throughout this time..I'm only blogging to relive the days, to keep this wonderful journey forever etched in my heart. She has been so important to me..and yet I've failed to make her happy. It hurts so much..to know that such a beautiful chapter of my life has to end just like this. I really hoped, really wished during the trial separation that she'll just someday, tell me to forget all the pain, to start anew. The day, that moment never came. I don't even know if I should tell her to check this blog anymore. The main reason for our separation, our break up is for me to make her happy...and I truly want to believe that. I want to make her happy. I don't want our break-up to be in vain. But deep in my heart..who can stop the pain? Who can understand that I still truly care and love her?

I guess only time can fix even the most shattered of hearts. I really hope so.

Ever since last year, love has permeated my life, saturating my soul with concern and attention. I really loved that sensation. The thrill of seeing my beloved's smile first thing in the morning..the fun of holding her in my arms throughout every moment. I enjoyed these very moments. Now that we've parted, and that I've wished her all the happiness in the world..and that I'll be happy for her if she found her soul mate, one who would love her and treasure her, and most importantly, make her happy more than me...I truly doubt if I can do it. If I ever saw her hand in hand with another male, another guy...would I feel that pang of hurt, sorrow..? Would I feel heartbroken all over again? I really don't want to...but currently, I believe i would..

Who wouldn't miss his loved one? I really miss her. But now she's just a friend to me. I really want to keep my promise. I don't want her all stressed up again..

Finally..I really didn't know why she didn't love me anymore. Its painful to think of it..but the reasons I received..I feel so bad that those were the ones that my parents often told me to correct..reliance on my family? I've been this way throughout my life..as much as I want to change, I can't stop my parents from showering whatever advantages they can give..furthermore..am I really so immature? I always thought love was an acceptance of your partner's weaknesses..but maybe? Maybe she didn't love me anymore at all..

Its too painful to think. I just wish things were back to yesteryear, yesterdays. Maybe I'll keep this thought to myself..I honestly don't want any more pain to be inflicted on my love..

I guess this is farewell.

Thank you, for giving me a wonderful year. Thank you, for giving the motivation and the drive to push me through the examinations. Thank you, for all your sacrifices in our wonderous love together. Thank you, for your presents and concern. The pictures of our love shall always be found within my heart..buried beyond the darkest corner..until the very day comes for you to uncover them..Thank you, my guardian angel..

Thank you.

*hug*

a new horizon 7:44 pm